When it comes to handling pregnant women, Â Here are The 13 most important things All Men Must Know:
1. Feed Her Constantly
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is when she says sheâ€™s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face. Know that â€œIâ€™m hungryâ€ doesnâ€™t mean sheâ€™s looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to give that woman snacks will result in extreme bitchiness at best, and bodily injury at worse. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for 9 months and youâ€™ll be fine.
2. Food: Whatâ€™s Yours is Hers,
Whatâ€™s Hers is
Youâ€™ve likely been married or together a few years now, so itâ€™s perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. If you eat food thatâ€™s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed it as hers), she will cut you. Not physically perhaps, but by the time sheâ€™s finished excoriating you youâ€™ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some of MJâ€™s chocolate once and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things Iâ€™ve ever seen. Just donâ€™t do it.
3. Get Ready to Gain Weight
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? Thatâ€™s no mistake. Ultimately at some point sheâ€™ll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit. This time around itâ€™s nothing but fruit salad. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 lbs during MJâ€™s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained â€” WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.
4. Donâ€™t Point Out How Big
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, Iâ€™m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. Thatâ€™s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wifeâ€™s really cute swollen belly. In my mind it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first 2-3 times I said it, she snapped on me. â€œSTOP TELLING ME Iâ€™M FAT! I KNOW Iâ€™M FAT! I DONâ€™T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!â€ It didnâ€™t matter that in my eyes she never looked more beautiful or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next pointâ€¦