1. He’s all about grand gestures, not small ones. He picks up every tab and takes you shopping for fancy things, but out of sight, out of mind. “He never does thoughtful things, like buying your favorite scone on the way to your house,” says dating coach Laurel House, author of the forthcomingScrewing the Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love. If he’s not doing little kindnesses that prove he knows the details about you, it’s probably because he doesn’t care to.
2. He shows you off at parties and then leaves you to mingle. You might like that he introduces you around. It’s his behavior afterward that’s telling, though. “The guy who won’t commit seems to forget to spend time with you during the majority of the party,” says House. And speaking of party…
3. He always wants to do something, not focus his attention on you.Your date nights are at extravagant restaurants, not at home just hanging out. “He prefers to decompress alone and not include you in life’s day-to-day,” says House. Committed couples want to be together most of the time. If he doesn’t involve you in morning runs and grocery shopping, “you’re not part of his real life,” says House.
4. He wants to share celebrations with you, not struggles. It’s great that he tells you about wins at work, but staying mum about setbacks isn’t necessarily because of his manly pride. “You are not who he turns to for real support or love,” says House. He needs to feel he can and actually do it, or else he can’t be in a lasting relationship with its inevitable challenges.
5. He tells you he wants a future, but only while on a high. If you’ve heard this exclusively when he’s drunk—whether from booze or accomplishments—it doesn’t count. House says it’s important he says this during a normal moment in life, when your heads are crystal-clear. “Cut to reality and bring it up again, and the non-committal guy will make you feel like you’re needy” for wanting clarity about your future.
6. He never plans ahead. Men who want to stick around start talking about events down the road the moment they see a future with you. The non-committal man is last-minute about everything, so don’t mistake this red flag for spontaneity. “He has a tough time committing to any plan that’s even a few days or a week out,” says House. “He doesn’t want to feel boxed in by anything” in case something better comes along.